Hey Fellas!  Have you been wondering if you’re “in” enough?  Do you sometimes worry about if your jeans are tight enough?  Is your hair delightfully messy?  Do you walk the fine line between that “cool” depressed or “depressed” depressed?  Are you “emo” enough?  Well, now with Scott Brennan’s “Gentlemen’s Guide to Being Emo” you can make sure that you can keep your edgy nerdiness at all times!  Just read these 10 steps and you’ll be on your way to gender bending heaven! So read on my Harry Potter look-a-likes and you’ll be shitting nautical stars in no time!  

10 Steps to your New Emo life! 

1.)  Remember , the first rule about emo is do not talk about emo! 

2).  Remember, first and foremost, skinny is better.  You must remember that fat people don’t really deserve to listen to our music.  Help start a skinny revolution by starting your binge and purging regiment today.  Again, food is for the weak.  You must achieve your ideal emo body.  Your ideal body should NEVER reflect anything over 110 pounds.   

3.)Remember, the tighter the better.    Now boys, I expect to see you rummage through your attic to find that awesome Middletown Cougars baseball shirt or that sweet Woodbridge Barons Recreation shirt you had 11 years ago.  Cause the best part about being emo, is that everything fits!  As far as pants go, make sure that your little sister doesn’t know you borrowed anything.  Now here’s a little tip I learned at a Fall Out Boy show.  If it ain’t a struggle to get in or out of the pants, they obviously don’t fit right.  Soprano voices are in gentlemen!  You must always remember you and your girlfriend must always be in constant competition for jean sizes otherwise the relationship is not working.  Girls dig guys who look like their smuggling grapes! Duh!   

4.) Remember, there is no Jesus, only Chris Caraba! 

5.)  Remember, happiness is not an option.  Be strong, no matter how hard outside society tries to make you happy, do not cave.  We are the forgotten, we are forever lonely.  And that is why my friends, we are so freaking cool.  Any lyrics or poetry must contain at least one of the 5 emo themes:  Girls. Tears. Blood. Pillows. And most importantly, Not Fitting In.  

6.)  Remember…tattoos, tattoos, tattoos!  This is what god, I mean Chris, gave you arms for.  But don’t go thinking you can get anything original.  You must choose from the emo tattoo book.  Here are a few options. Hearts are definitely a great addition to your bony arm.  Now, tearing of the heart or having blood dripping from the heart is even better.  Second, flowers, birds and or guitars are super cool.  Possibly even some sort of pollinated flying guitar.  This will totally give off the “I’m in a band vibe.”  Third, the sacred crest of emo, the nautical star.  This is the equivalent to achieving your emo merit badge.   So, get on out there and get some damn tattoos! 

7.)  Remember, having pierces shows your inner pain by showing your outer pain.  Now, there are a lot of features on the human face that need a nice sharp piece of metal stuck through it.  But, start by getting the biggest and fattest gages possible.  Chicks dig the Uchoo Choo tribal look gentleman.  Lip piercings are also a must.     

8.) Remember, emo kids don’t suffer from motion sickness!  Here’s how you start.  Grab your guitar and start throwing it around your head at high speeds.  After much practice you can perfectly time your whirling dervish of six string action into a perfect interlude during sweet pauses during songs.   Also, as you play, just keep spinning and jumping at will.  Within minutes that cute hepher in the Early November shirt will be yours to complain about.  Also, a few leaps off your amp won’t hurt.

  9.)  Remember, hair is of utmost importance.  So take out those scissors and start cutting.  A cool combination of long, short, short, long medium is what makes the ladies run out of the room holding their crotches gentlemen.  Something cool like spikes in the back and a wicked long streak across your face may be your ticket to the depressive poon heaven you’ve been desiring. 

 10.)  Remember, emo kids all have a rare eyesight disease.  Only thick black rimmed glasses will certainly cure your ailment.  For examples, use your Sidekick to look up great examples such as Harry Potter and Rivers Cuomo. 

             There, I hope my guide has helped you to obtain the necessary emo knowledge for you to start getting depressed and start getting skinny!  So get on out there, get your band a cool name involving months of the year and you’ll be on your way.  As a bonus, I’ve provided some suggestions. A Cold September, October’s Heartache, or My Bloody Winter are all suitable names for your emo revolution.  Look out for my new books, “How to Stay Away from Sandwiches”, “I Can Sorta Play Guitar”, and “Tighten your White Belt”, coming to you this fall.  So go on and always remember the golden emo rule, Do Not Talk about Emo!