A Guide to Romance: How to Please your Lady

            Very few men can reach the romance level set by the beautiful poetic lyrics of today’s rap artists.  The charm of Eminem and Eamon should inspire all men to treat their women properly.  These real men know all the important elements to the perfect relationship; male dominance, pleasing your man, making your man top priority, and making your man your only priority.  Oh, but don’t forget meaningless male-gratifying sex.

                        Knew that she was feelin me
                        And I was feelin her like xtasy
                        Next thing you know she was Next to me,
                        By the morning time shes sexin me

            One of the most crucial guidelines I must point out: learn to treat your woman as an inanimate object.  Believe me she will thank you.  Thinking, standing up for oneself and even standing up can sometimes be hard.  It’s best that we all just lay in bed, speechless, not defending ourselves, being completely silent except for an occasional moan.  Eminem and Eamon make life easy when they objectify us.  I mean, these men really know how women feel!  It’s much easier living life when you don’t need to use your brain.               

            “Slut, you think I won't choke no whore til the vocal cords don't work in her throat no more?!? But they’ll work just long enough to scream, “I love you Eminem!” As a female, I must say we admire the charming, romantic lyrics of this mastermind. There’s something about beating the fat off a bitch and locking her in a mildew-filled closet that screams “perfect first date!” Objectifying women and judging them by their body types is a quality that only few men portray, and if we’re talking charm, please tell your girl to shut the fuck up, tie her up, and say “fuck you bitch. Bitch Imma kill you,” because that’s what women want to hear. After all it’s those soothing words that will make a woman want to jump in the sack with you.

            Now let’s talk love making. Positions. “Just bend over and take it like
a slut, okay Ma??” Cold, unattached sex is the best. Being treated like an animal is ideal, and Eminem possesses this great quality.  I think the only way to top this off is when a guy has sex with your best friend.  Now that is an amazing situation that only some women are fortunate to experience.  And, further more, the most lucky women get to walk in on their best friend on top of their man. 

                        You thought, you could,
                        Really make me moan, ( moans )
                        I had better sex all alone, (laughs)
                        I had to, to do your friends,
                        Now you want me to come back,
                        You must be smoking crack,
                        I'm going elsewhere,
                        And that's a fact
            Now, although sex and pleasing your man should be the priority of every relationship, it is imperative that the man too learns his part.  They must learn dominance, because without it women would have too much power.  “I invented violence, you vile venomous volatile bitches, vain Vicadin, vrinnn Vrinnn,
VRINNN! {*chainsaw revs up*}”
            “Hahaha, I'm just playin ladies. You know I love you.” Oh, we know it. 

            Well, that concludes my guide to romance.  If you missed it, here’s my synopsis: treat your woman like crap and she will love every second of it.