Dear Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera,

             I just wanted to drop you a quick thank you note to commend you on the wonderful example you are setting for today’s young women. In the old days, girls really lacked self confidence. But today, thanks to the shining examples that you set, they are well on their way to being more confident than ever before, and knowing exactly how to get what they want. What do I mean by this? Well, it’s simple really…

           Years ago, parents tried to inspire young women to respect themselves, like that would get them anywhere in life. They fed them lines like, “You don’t have to sleep with a guy to get him to like you” or “Guys think it’s sexier when you leave things up to the imagination.” Pish posh! Everyone knows that the only way to get men to do what you want is to show some skin. The more you show, the more you get. You see, Britney and Christina, in your infinite wisdom you have discovered that if you “accidentally” let one of your undergarments stick out it can work to your advantage. You have demonstrated that women are a much smarter species than men are, because men are easily manipulated by thinking of sex. So girls, show a little thong, and get what you want. It’s not “trashy” or “skanky,” it’s a symbol of intelligence. And if just showing your thong doesn’t lead to success, maybe a little ink will do the trick. Nothing displays class and confidence more than a tramp stamp that sticks out every time you bend over. The more you reveal, the greater the reward. And if the reward is something really big, like a car or jewelry, don’t be afraid to go ahead and give it up. After all, as you have demonstrated time and time again, it’s only sex. It’s not like we’re dealing with love or emotions here.

            More praise is due, ladies, when it comes to health issues. With the increase in the consumption of junk food in this country, we need more people making slightly overweight girls feel bad about themselves. Thanks to you, and your example of “true beauty comes from the outside” girls are now starving themselves around the world and applying pounds of make-up to their faces every day. And forget about the health risks involved with breast implants, for you have shown us that a life without big boobs is a terrible waste. I mean, you’ll never be successful in getting what you want without them, so why even bother living?

            So kudos, and kudos again ladies, on making the world a better place. In a country where more than half of all marriages end in divorce, you have demonstrated that even if daddy doesn’t give you the attention you deserve there are still several ways of getting it. Sure, sexism is still prominent in our society, but by following your lead the girls of today will grow up to be tomorrow’s politicians, executives, and role models.

Sincerely,

Joe Regina