Your Guide to Being the Ultimate Supreme King of Metal

            By following this simple process, you too can become the baddest, sickest, most heavy metal god that ever lived.  The most important thing to remember throughout this process to not listen to anything anyone says.  Simply follow the guide and march forward into metal mayhem.

            Step one: the basics. If you don’t already own one, get a BC Rich guitar.  Nothing else will adequately represent your true metal colors.  Step two, buy an amplifier, the brand doesn’t matter as long as it’s loud.  Now that you have purchased your gear, you must practice for hours a day.  Don’t worry about books, charts, or any other conventional methods of practice.  Rhythm, key signatures and technique… forget about it.  The only note you need to know is the high F#, but we’ll deal with that when we get to singing.  An effective practice gives you a workout more than anything.  Simply play as many notes as you can as fast as you can.  Everything else you’ve learned about guitar is just used by pussies who don’t appreciate metal.

            Step two: learning to sing.  This step requires the least amount of effort of all the steps, but is absolutely necessary.  Anyone that tells you that learning how to sing takes a lot of effort should be beaten.  This is metal we’re talking about.  Scream about death, destruction, murder, skinning babies and hell and you’ve got it all down.  The only note you need to learn to sing is the high F#, or scream of death.  The best scream delivers the highest pitch possible.  Throw at least one scream of death in every song.

            Step three: style. Now that you have the musical side down, you need to look the part.  This means ditching all preconceived “knowledge” about fashion.  The only acceptable clothes are black, leather, and contain metal.  The ideal outfit also exposes your ass.  Nothing is more heavy metal than a pair of assless chain mail chaps (underwear is by no means permitted).  Combat boots are the only thing allowed on your feet, and your forearms must be accompanied by spiked cuffs at all times.  As for your hair, a mullet is the only acceptable haircut.  Don’t worry about being past your prime either.  If you are truly for the metal cause, a balding mullet shows your dedication.  Your neighborhood friendly dominatrix shop will provide you with most of your clothing.

Step four: your attitude.  Don’t worry about what people might think, loud equals metal, so start playing gigs immediately after purchasing your gear.  Anyone that doesn’t like your sound is just a pussy.  No matter whom you play with, always remember that the crowd came for you.  If it isn’t loud, and doesn’t involve your ass, no one cares.  Because you are the best, you always get the biggest cut of the ticket sales.  Fight anyone who disagrees, after all, we all know that your exposed ass attracts a lot of attention.  This brings us to our next point.

If you don’t know how to fight, learn.  Threaten to beat up anyone who disagrees with you about anything.  Picking a fight with your drummer on stage shows everyone how gargantuan your balls are.  Last, but most important, remember that you are the best.  Simply believing you are the best makes you the best.  Forget how long the other guitar players have been playing.  Faster means better no matter what.

Step five: everything else.  In order to be heavy metal, you must drop everything else in your life that doesn’t involve metal.  Having a real job, paying rent, and paying attention to any girl that won’t be your sex slave are all things of the past.  Living in your mother’s basement, teaching other people how to play guitar as well as you, and organizing shows are your only obligations.